Post Partum Body

I read an article today from Scary Mommy http://www.scarymommy.com/the-luxury-of-not-giving-a-damn/  There is a quote that summarizes her point well.  “It’s a gift not to give a damn how my body and face compares to others.”

It’s a gift I long for, to face each day without thoughts about how my body is worse than another woman’s.  It sounds pretty awesome.

I was overweight when I got pregnant, each time.  I lost 15 pounds, 17 pounds and 10 pounds during the first trimester “morning sickness.”  From my lowest weight at the start of the second trimester, I gained 28 pounds, 23 pounds and 20 pounds.  I never lost all the weight in between pregnancies. I am currently 10 pounds above the “Healthy BMI range” and 17 pounds heavier than when I (re)met my husband. I think about that multiple times a day, I think about my weight.

My schedule changed, my priorities changed, my commute time changed (I walk to work) and my motivation changed.  My legs are not as slim as I’d like them to be.  My hips are a  little wider.  I can’t fit into my favorite dress, and never expect to wear it again.My tummy is not flat or firm, and my hair isn’t as enviable as it once was.  After Z weaned, I had acne for 16 months and had to go to a dermatologist.

I wish I could be where the author of this article is.  My body has done amazing things, but I just don’t know how to accept it.  I guess I am still reeling from the fact that I’ve always been insecure about my body, and my breastfeeding experiences didn’t heal that.  In fact, they made it worse.

I don’t want my girls to compare themselves to me, to each other, or heaven forbid someone who has a trainer and can work out 3 hours a day.  I want to be a good example of a secure woman.  I’m just not there yet.

How can I possibly feel joyful about this vessel, if I compare it to the gal who is size 0?  How can the woman who struggles with miscarriage forgive her body when she looks at her friend who is a fertile Myrtle?

I don’t know.  I am trying though.

I’m starting with my words.  I’m working not to let comparative or negative language pass my lips.

I’m working on my thoughts, policing the words is a great first step.  If I can stop a word, I can stop a thought too.

I’m replacing those messages with the truth and with gratitude.

It’s a small start, but it’s a start.

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